Project Master or Project Disaster? What Marriage Can Teach Us About Successful Project Management
When thinking about what makes a marriage thrive, words like love, commitment, and communication come to mind. Dr. John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work takes these concepts further, showing that successful relationships rely on habits and emotional intelligence. Surprisingly, these principles don’t just apply to marriage—they offer a roadmap for project management too.
Managing a project is like maintaining a marriage: success requires emotional intelligence, effective communication, and a foundation of trust. Let’s dive deeper into how Gottman’s principles for marriage can help turn your project from chaos into collaboration.
1. Build Love Maps: Understand Your Team’s World
In marriage, a “love map” is the mental blueprint of your partner’s world—their joys, stresses, dreams, and fears. This deep understanding forms the bedrock of connection. In project management, building your “team map” is just as crucial.
Ask yourself:
- Do you know what challenges your team members face at work or outside it?
- Are you aware of their professional goals or personal motivators?
For example, consider a team member juggling work with caregiving responsibilities at home. A project manager who knows this can adjust expectations, offer flexible deadlines, or reallocate resources during crunch times.
Practical Tip: Start every project with one-on-one conversations to understand each team member’s strengths, career aspirations, and any potential challenges.
2. Nurture Fondness and Admiration: Recognize Good Work
In marriage, couples who thrive frequently express appreciation and respect for each other. They focus on their partner’s strengths rather than dwelling on faults. Similarly, a project manager must actively acknowledge and celebrate their team’s efforts.
Imagine leading a team through a grueling product launch. After months of late nights, would you celebrate the milestone with a simple thank-you email—or go the extra mile with a team lunch, personalized notes, or public recognition?
Practical Tip: Use tools like “shout-outs” in team meetings or a designated Slack channel for celebrating wins. Small gestures go a long way in maintaining morale.
3. Turn Toward Instead of Away: Stay Attentive to Your Team’s Needs
In healthy relationships, partners “turn toward” each other when one seeks connection, whether through a question, a complaint, or a smile. A project manager must also turn toward their team’s needs.
For instance, if a team member approaches you about unrealistic deadlines, do you dismiss their concerns (“That’s just how it is”) or work with them to find a solution? Turning away from these “bids for connection” erodes trust over time, just as it does in marriage.
Practical Tip: Foster a culture of openness by scheduling regular check-ins. Actively listen and follow up to show that you value their input.
4. Let Your Partner Influence You: Share Decision-Making
Marriages thrive when both partners feel they have an equal say in decisions. In projects, the same principle applies: success comes from collaboration and shared leadership.
Consider a scenario where your team proposes an alternative to your original plan. A rigid leader might shut it down, while a great project manager evaluates the suggestion on its merits and incorporates the team’s expertise. This builds buy-in and encourages creative thinking.
Real-Life Example: During a website redesign, a junior designer suggests a more user-friendly layout than the original plan. A manager who values team input recognizes the idea’s potential, earning respect and delivering a better product.
5. Solve the Solvable Problems: Prioritize What You Can Fix
In marriage, some conflicts—like differing opinions on personal habits—are solvable, while others require compromise or acceptance. In projects, distinguishing between solvable issues and fixed constraints is equally important.
For example, tight deadlines or budget constraints may not change. But within those boundaries, you can address solvable problems, like redistributing workloads to avoid burnout or streamlining processes to save time.
Practical Tip: Conduct a team brainstorming session to identify and tackle the most pressing challenges. Empower your team to propose solutions within the existing limitations.
6. Overcome Gridlock: Align on Shared Goals
In marriages, gridlock occurs when couples are stuck in unresolvable conflict, often rooted in deeper values or dreams. In project management, gridlock can happen when team members have conflicting priorities or lack alignment on goals.
For instance, a marketing team may prioritize brand consistency, while the sales team wants quick results. To overcome this, a project manager must identify shared values—such as driving customer engagement—and create a unified strategy that satisfies both sides.
Practical Tip: Start every project with a clear mission statement and revisit it during team check-ins. This keeps everyone aligned and focused on the bigger picture.
7. Create Shared Meaning: Build a Cohesive Culture
Gottman describes how happy couples create a shared sense of purpose, finding meaning in their relationship beyond daily tasks. For project managers, this means cultivating a team culture where people feel connected not only to their work but also to each other.
For example, a team working on a sustainability initiative might connect their work to the broader impact of combating climate change. Sharing stories about how their project makes a difference can inspire a deeper sense of purpose.
Practical Tip: Use storytelling to highlight the “why” behind your project. Celebrate milestones with rituals like team breakfasts or retrospectives to foster camaraderie.
Emotional Intelligence: The Foundation of Success
At the core of these principles lies emotional intelligence—the ability to empathize, communicate effectively, and build meaningful relationships. For a project manager, this skill is essential. It’s the difference between a leader who inspires and one who micromanages.
Whether leading a project or nurturing a marriage, the secret to success lies in human connection. When you prioritize people—whether a partner or a team—you create an environment where collaboration, creativity, and trust can thrive.
Final Thought
Are you a project master or a project disaster? The answer might lie in how well you practice these seven principles. Just as happy marriages are built on understanding and respect, successful projects require emotional intelligence and teamwork.
What strategies have helped you succeed in projects?
